Things That Aren’t as Bad as I Thought They’d Be

Question 7: Everyone has worries about leaving a familiar environment. What worries turned out to be okay in the end?

Title: Things That Aren’t as Bad as I Thought They’d Be

1.      1. Fries with mayonnaise.

Now, I hate mayonnaise as much as the next sane person (except for the delight that is tuna salad), but I do like making the effort to try local foods. Many people here seem to survive by putting mayonnaise on their fries. After keepings careful tabs to ensure that this assumption was correct, I gave it a try.* Honestly, they were almost good. Is it something that I crave? Absolutely not. Is it something I will willingly decide to eat again if the opportunity presents itself? Probably.

2.      2.  Student Teaching

It’s a terrifying concept in the best of situations. Suddenly, after years of sitting in a classroom learning about teaching, coupled with some shorter stints of time in a classroom heavily supervised, you are supposed to teach young people something. And keep track of them. And learn about them. And make sure they do not harm each other or themselves during class. All at once.

Luckily, I am now aware that students make no sense in the Netherlands in the same way that students in the United States do not make any sense. Ergo, if there is no alternative, I cannot worry.

Scenario that supports my theory:

Setting: Student teaching in the Netherlands, Week 1. I am observing a class.

Teacher: *makes several funny jokes*

Students: *blink*

Teacher: *teaches something about the material. Uses the word, “adolescence”*

Students: What does “adolescence” mean?

Teacher: *Describes the words and explains that every student in the room is an adolescent*

The students begin cheering and clapping delightedly.

3.      3.  Finding peanut butter and coffee

Everyone has favorites and staples when it comes to consumption. Coffee and peanut butter happen to be mine. Staying alert throughout a whole school day without coffee seems like an unfortunate undertaking in which I do not intend to partake.

I am happy to say that both of these are both readily available and commonly consumed in the Netherlands.

*Careful tabs: I noticed many living bodies and zero bead bodies near the snack stands. I did not notice any body bags or people who might be employed with the task of quick body removal.

Eating

Question 6: If I want to eat like the Dutch, how might I do that?

Perhaps because I am an American, I have always valued Europeans as being of a significantly healthier group of people when it comes to dietary habits. I am here to show you just how you can eat to improve your health and begin acting like the vogue European you’ve always secretly wanted to become.

Breakfast

We shall start with breakfast. To begin, you will need Hagelslag. This is an extravagant word for chocolate sprinkles. While you might have previously though that chocolate sprinkles were reserved for young children eating ice cream, you’ll be pleased to know that you can actually eat it on sandwiches. My personal favorite is combining pindakas (peanut butter), Nutella, and Hagelslag. A more common approach is to eat just Nutella and Hagelslag or butter and Hagelslag on a sandwich.

Understandably, eating chocolate sprinkles for breakfast may not be your thing. You may also take some bread with cheese. This is a cheese sandwich. You may not do anything absurd, such as putting meat on the bread or toasting it. Bread and cheese is to be eaten cold and as-is.

You have no other options for breakfast unless it is Sunday. To simplify, let us focus on the majority of the week. So, for simplicity, you may have chocolate sprinkles or you may have a cheese sandwich.

Snacks

Much of Dutch culture is spent enforcing social norms. This involves ensuring that you know when you are wrong. Thankfully, as a foreigner, I am wrong on many things, so I get to experience this aspect of Dutch culture at a nice, constant rate.* In this section, I shall focus primarily on what not to do.

First, do not put peanut butter on a banana. Do not put Nutella on a banana. Do not defend yourself, describing the perfect balance of fiber and protein for a snack. It is not done. It is not Dutch.

Second, do not bring pretzels as a snack. Pretzels are a food one should eat late at night while drinking at a party. To bring pretzels to school for a morning snack signifies that you would like to party at the moment in which you are eating them.

Please combine my first and second instructions to infer what happened the day I put peanut butter on my pretzels.

Acceptable snacks include patat, which are the Dutch version of French Fries that they pair with mayonnaise (more on that another day). Sultana are these delicious sweet crackers that come individually packaged, but be warned that they are not particularly filling if you are looking to battle hunger.

Lunch

For lunch, you might consider consuming cheese on bread. Having this for breakfast is no reason that you cannot repeat this food for lunch. You can even have the same type of cheese on the same type of bread.

You might also indulge yourself and have a lunchmeat on bread. However, do not, under any circumstances, put more than one type of meat on bread. Furthermore, do not mix your meat and cheese on one sandwich. This is blasphemy.

Sandwiches

Even though I have discussed sandwiches during both the breakfast and the lunch categories, I feel strongly enough about sandwiches that they deserve additional mention. In the Netherlands, everything goes on a sandwich. I so badly wish I could tell you that I am exaggerating, but I am not. This becomes excessive (from my perspective) at times. For example, I was once eating a cookie, and I was asked if I might like a sandwich for my cookie. The proper way to eat cookies is my pairing them with butter between two slices of bread. A second example is that a few days ago I was walking through city center and saw a Chinese restaurant that offered to put the lo mein noodles onto a sandwich for customers. This, of course, does not mean that you can create any combination of sandwich. As stated above, meat and cheese combinations are not acceptable. In addition, pairing peanut butter with jelly does not fit within social norms. It is more appropriate to pair peanut butter with butter and cheese, obviously.**

Dinner

Dinner is smashed, generally speaking. This often includes a potato base and some vegetables. Sauerkraut and spinach are common here. Various meats may also be present. Sausage is popular.

If your dinner is not smashed, but you would like to smash it, you must wait for your host to first smash his or her food before it is acceptable for you to do the same.

Dessert

Stroopwafels. This is the only dessert that matters. It could stop wars and create world peace if everyone had enough. They are also highly addictive. These tasty round sugar circles are made of a type of caramel and hard, thin waffles. Finding them fresh is an even better treat. Fresh and slightly overcooked is my next goal.

*This is not negative, it is merely somewhat, sort of, moderately, a little bit factual. Maybe.

**While I still prefer my peanut butter with sweet foods, please keep in mind that the Dutch peanut butter is wonderful in that it does not have any sugar in it. By itself, it is not a sweet food.

 

Train Stations

Question 5

How might you get an entire train station to stare at you?

Are you lonely in Europe? Are you craving attention? Please continue reading to learn how you, with very little effort, can attract the attention from everyone within shouting distance at the train station.

Step 1:

To a person who has never previously utilized public transportation alone, train charts (in Dutch) are no easier than growing roots and becoming a tree. While you could ask just about anyone on the platform for assistance, as they all speak excellent English, you should bypass all travelers and ask the conductor of a train directly. Perhaps due to the amount of time conductors spend yelling for passengers to board, they have a lovely, booming voice. When your conductor walks you to the chart to explain trains to you, he will surely yell loudly enough for every English speaker in a three-mile radius to receive the directions meant for you. Luckily for you, this means that you have now achieved capturing the attention of Absolutely. Everyone.

Step 2:

At some point, you will be sitting on the train waiting for it to move, and you will hear a sound that indicates that the train is derailing and you are about to plummet to your death, regardless of whether or not a cliff is even around. All other passengers will ignore this noise, but you should not. Do not ask anyone what the noise is. Instead, look mildly concerned and look around the train. Wait for people around you to kindly assure you that the sound is completely natural. If the train is not too noisy from people talking, this assurance will capture the attention of everyone in your train car, and you can proceed knowing that you have once again succeeded in becoming the center of attention.

Step 3:

If you have an electronic train pass, you will need to swipe it upon entering and exiting the train station. When swiping your card, be sure to try swiping it i n the wrong spot. Then, when it doesn't work, continue to rotate the card, trying to find success. Be sure not to ask anyone around you for help. Again, wait for them to come to you. This draws more stares, as people watching wonder if they should say something. Eventually, someone will probably explain the situation to you, but until then, you have put forth all of the effort necessary to once again draw excessive attention to yourself.

Step 4:

When asking for the train for Gouda, pronounce it in the way that an American would pronounce the name of the cheese (think: goo-duh). Ensure that you use the English "G" as opposed to the guttural Dutch "G." This pronunciation is actually so far from the proper pronunciation of the town/cheese that those around you will have no idea where you are talking about. Proceed to insist that this place exists and ask several people in the surrounding area. Finally, subtly glance around so that you may appropriately bask in the sideways glances.

Step 5:

Lastly, once boarded on the correct train (or not), put your feet up on the seat in front of you. I am not telling you to kick back and relax with your muddy feet all over the upholstery. That 's not kind at all. Merely place the tip of your foot on the edge of the seat. When the ticket checker walks past and tells you in Dutch that this isn't permitted, pretend you understand what he is saying by nodding and smiling. He will proceed to mention that this is not a smiling matter, and a €90 fine will ensue for violators of this rule. I guarantee that the whole train car will be staring at this point. Remember, they all speak both Dutch and English. Unlike you, they have not missed any of this interaction.

IKEA

Why Amersfoort is Really a Giant IKEA

Question 4.

Why do you believe that Amersfoort is a really large IKEA?

To be perfectly honest, I felt a twinge of disappointment upon first seeing Amersfoort. I had researched, seen pictures, and I was absolutely certain I would be living in a quaint little town filled with castles and ancient buildings. My research was thorough. I went to Google, typed "Amersfoort," and clicked on images. The images were lovely old buildings, the search term was "Amersfoort," so Amersfoort was old and lovely. With buildings.

The truth is that the city center is lovely. and old. with buildings. But over the last 500 years, the local Dutch built other stuff. It's modern and looks exactly like every piece of everything came from IKEA, from the furniture to the houses to the trees.

See that swan? Those bricks? Now you understand why IKEA was my immediate reaction.

Please do not misunderstand. I like IKEA and Amersfoort, but it was not what I had originally pictured. Even though I am aware that it is a ridiculous assertion, I like seeing what I originally picture.

As it happens, I was completely correct in making this assumption. Not only is IKEA by far the favorite store of the area, but it is also the way you determine the size of a town. Does your town have its own IKEA? You've got yourself an urban environment. No IKEA? Rural.

If you've been in an IKEA, you know the floor plan allows the shopper to see fully set up rooms. Luckily for you, the Dutch do not often use curtains. Yes, there are cultural explanations for this, but the biggest reason is that they are, at heart, a giant IKEA. A lack of curtains allows one to walk up and down the streets peering into different IKEA set ups. You view what you like and don't like. It's brilliant.

Shocking Your Very Own Dutch Family

3 Fun Ways to Shock Your Very Own Dutch Family

Question 3.

If I wanted to shock a Dutch family, what are some methods you might suggest I employ?

Certainly, after spending less than a month in the Netherlands, I am a complete expert on this. I will share with you a few of my personal favorites, and I will hope that you will find some fun ones of your own.

The wonderful thing about Dutch culture is that they are less hesitant to tell you what they think than other cultures might be. The result of this is that I get to know which of my habits they find more unusual.

1. Do not carry an agenda. For a stronger reaction, frequently express the opinion that you are opposed to all forms of agendas.

Thus far, everyone I have met carries an agenda. Everyone. Adults and children alike. If a teacher asks a student to come talk to them at some point, they will both take out their agendas and compare. I am under the impression that agendas are even more important than bicycles.

People seem to like to plan things. They have scheduled programming, and if you say you are going, you are expected to arrive on time unless you have an excellent excuse. After planning, they enjoy writing down what they have planned. The most handy way to do this is with agendas. If we were practicing analogies, I might try: Tree: bark :: Dutch people: agendas.

2. Drink water.

My favorite way of doing this is by using the following order:

1. Obtain a glass of water. Keep it in your hand so that it is clearly yours.
2. Wait for someone to offer you a drink.
3. Show them you have a drink.
4. Wait for them to offer you a drink. They will now specify the choices as tea, coffee, milk, and juice. This seems to be true in almost every location, although school limits my choices to coffee, cappuccinos, hot chocolate, and about sixteen different types of tea. It's restrictive to say the least.
5. Again, assure them you have a drink.

What it is about water that does not qualify it as a drink, I may never know. Despite biking many many miles each day, I am clearly the only one carrying a water bottle.


3. Eat breakfast off of a paper towel. Ensure at least someone sees you doing this.

Each day, I eat my breakfast off of a paper towel. This means that I do not have to dirty a plate, and I can use the paper towel as a napkin while I eat.

Whenever someone sees me do this, he or she tries to impress upon me the concept of plates. People, according to my host family, ought to use plates. When I explain my theory, they explain that not only do they have plates, but they also have a dishwasher, making the cleansing of dishes a relatively painless process. This happens as often as I'm caught with my paper towel.

Because I'm an instigator, this has become something of a game for me. I could change my ways, but I could also keep a tally of how many lessons on plates I receive.

Dutch Physics

Dutch Physics

Question 2:

How is physics is the Netherlands unique to the area?

Upon arrival, it is apparent that physics does not work in quite the same way here. Below I will outline my theory explaining the differences.

I am currently of the belief that the North Sea, which borders much of the Netherlands, creates a type of electromagnetic cloud that is unique to the area. As you may already know, the Dutch population is, on average, taller than most other populations, with men averaging 6' and women averaging 5'6" (scholarly source: Wikipedia). This is due in no small part to the clouds. While growing, our bones are composed slightly differently, making them less solidified and more supple so that they might change in size over the years. All humans experience this. However, in the Netherlands, the electromagnetic clouds react with the bones. There are two main results of this. First, the people grow slightly taller, the bones lengthen more. Second, and perhaps more importantly, the reaction creates within the bones a type of material that aides in avoiding heavy winds while biking. Here I show the clouds reacting with the people:

This leads us to point two, which explains how weather and biking coincide. If you're Dutch and have such wonderful bones, biking is an activity that involves normal weather conditions and is enjoyable. I have drawn a sketch of the situation:

In contrast, if you come to the Netherlands as a foreigner, the electromagnetic clouds are more attracted to you, rather than less so. The result is that the winds will constantly blow directly on you. Think of it like a magnet. You're positively charged and the wind is negative, but instead of the charge pulling you forward, it merely directs the wind, which already has a large velocity, to push you backwards. I've drawn a diagram with vectors here:

Rest assured, all of this is completely true. As I conclude my first school week here, I am happy to report that I have a wonderful host family, school, and colleagues. Many colleagues have even confirmed my theory of Dutch physics, providing further evidence to its validity. Perhaps my bones will one day change the winds as well.

Biking in the Netherlands

My dear family, friends, and fellow users of the Internet, I love how invested you all are in my happiness abroad. I must admit, though, that your questions are not as fun for me to answer as they could be. This, of course, is because you are not here, and therefore do not know the best questions to ask. To remedy this, I've decided to ask them for you. Let us begin.

Question 1.

How often do you fall off your bike?

This question involves a complex analysis that will require all involved parties understanding bits of geography, physics, Dutch bike design, and my physical capabilities.

First and foremost, I will explain the Dutch bike. I am currently riding the bike of the shortest member of my host family, who has a minimum of 1.5" on me in real person measuring.* Even if the bike were of proper size in proportion to my height, the bike is still built differently than any bike I've ever ridden. The seat goes to roughly just below the navel of the rider, so when at a standstill, the rider cannot both sit on the seat and reach the ground.

What, then, is the result of all of this? My inability to mount and dismount the bike. I hop, skip, skid, and wobble my way at every pause. Traffic cycles go by as I am climbing up light poles to climb onto my bike from above. Curbs became critical for me to gain a few inches in my attempts to reach the pedals, so I would drag the too-heavy bike across the cement to gain curb proximity. This sounds hyperbolic upon second reading, but I assure you it is quite literal.

If this were not enough, the Netherlands is a coastal nation, making rain an almost daily occurrence. Finally, due to a unique system of physics (that I have confirmed to be true) in the Netherlands, it is entirely possible that the wind will be blowing directly into your face no matter which way you are going. I will spare you the details of this until my next post.

In summary, I have yet to fall off of my bike in the sense that I suddenly have my face connect with the concrete. However, on more than one occasion I have nearly toppled into Cees (my host), and for the first day or two, I would completely dismount the bike at the slightest scare for fear of falling more rapidly. When living in Athens, I lived under the assumption that staring at a car was enough to prevent it from hitting you. Alas, that method has not proven itself to be effective here. I can stare at the other bikers all I like, but they still have no problem dominating the road. This is especially unfortunate, as I have a slight habit of riding on the wrong side of the road.

*In general, I believe myself to be taller than everyone around me and therefore do not see myself as particularly challenged in the vertical sense.