Train Stations

Question 5

How might you get an entire train station to stare at you?

Are you lonely in Europe? Are you craving attention? Please continue reading to learn how you, with very little effort, can attract the attention from everyone within shouting distance at the train station.

Step 1:

To a person who has never previously utilized public transportation alone, train charts (in Dutch) are no easier than growing roots and becoming a tree. While you could ask just about anyone on the platform for assistance, as they all speak excellent English, you should bypass all travelers and ask the conductor of a train directly. Perhaps due to the amount of time conductors spend yelling for passengers to board, they have a lovely, booming voice. When your conductor walks you to the chart to explain trains to you, he will surely yell loudly enough for every English speaker in a three-mile radius to receive the directions meant for you. Luckily for you, this means that you have now achieved capturing the attention of Absolutely. Everyone.

Step 2:

At some point, you will be sitting on the train waiting for it to move, and you will hear a sound that indicates that the train is derailing and you are about to plummet to your death, regardless of whether or not a cliff is even around. All other passengers will ignore this noise, but you should not. Do not ask anyone what the noise is. Instead, look mildly concerned and look around the train. Wait for people around you to kindly assure you that the sound is completely natural. If the train is not too noisy from people talking, this assurance will capture the attention of everyone in your train car, and you can proceed knowing that you have once again succeeded in becoming the center of attention.

Step 3:

If you have an electronic train pass, you will need to swipe it upon entering and exiting the train station. When swiping your card, be sure to try swiping it i n the wrong spot. Then, when it doesn't work, continue to rotate the card, trying to find success. Be sure not to ask anyone around you for help. Again, wait for them to come to you. This draws more stares, as people watching wonder if they should say something. Eventually, someone will probably explain the situation to you, but until then, you have put forth all of the effort necessary to once again draw excessive attention to yourself.

Step 4:

When asking for the train for Gouda, pronounce it in the way that an American would pronounce the name of the cheese (think: goo-duh). Ensure that you use the English "G" as opposed to the guttural Dutch "G." This pronunciation is actually so far from the proper pronunciation of the town/cheese that those around you will have no idea where you are talking about. Proceed to insist that this place exists and ask several people in the surrounding area. Finally, subtly glance around so that you may appropriately bask in the sideways glances.

Step 5:

Lastly, once boarded on the correct train (or not), put your feet up on the seat in front of you. I am not telling you to kick back and relax with your muddy feet all over the upholstery. That 's not kind at all. Merely place the tip of your foot on the edge of the seat. When the ticket checker walks past and tells you in Dutch that this isn't permitted, pretend you understand what he is saying by nodding and smiling. He will proceed to mention that this is not a smiling matter, and a €90 fine will ensue for violators of this rule. I guarantee that the whole train car will be staring at this point. Remember, they all speak both Dutch and English. Unlike you, they have not missed any of this interaction.